Personal Struggles

Welcome back. It's officially my first blog post aside from my introduction.

Tonight gave me a whole, great big load of stuff, feels, and thoughts. First, I got my favorite drink from Starbucks (Butterbeer Frappuccino) and headed to church. I played piano for the main service, afterward, headed upstairs to the teen group to discuss the End Times. And since it was a guy's birthday, we celebrated in the dining hall, where we ate cake, chatted with each other, and shot basketballs. And my best friend (we shall call her B) and my assistant pastor's daughter were talking about boys. And that got me thinking:

I don't know of any guy that even likes me.

I struggle with being single. I see all these girls around me at church and work and hear about all their boyfriends. And I sit there and yearn for a guy to be interested in me.
When I was little, I was the boy-crazy girl that had a crush on every guy that I set eyes on. As I got older, I began to care about whether guys liked me back or not. Then that led to disappointments because as much as I liked (and even thought I fell in love with), they didn't like me back. Sure, I had guy friends that liked me as a friend, and even a sister. But no guy to develop a crush on me back.
For about 4 years (2013-2017), I had this guy friend that I was head-over-heels for. I was writing love letters to him (without sending them to him); I daydreamed about him; I even dreamed about him at night. I guess you could say that I was slightly obsessed with him. It wasn't until last year that I realized I might have fallen in love with him:

1. He was about to leave, and I let him go ("If you love someone, let them go.").
2. I always wanted what was best for him, putting his needs and wants above mine.
3. It was no longer butterflies and rainbows, but a feeling and knowledge and choice to love.

But reality hit me after a while.

He had said to me, "I just love you as a sister."

He had said that to me several times before I believed and accepted it. I would just say, "Oh, he doesn't mean that. I know he likes me. It's the way he acts around me. He totally likes me!" But after several times of his telling me that, reading articles and watching videos about "10 Signs He Likes You" (and realizing that he didn't fit one description), and re-reading his signals, reality set in. He didn't like me. And I let myself down, letting myself believe that he did when he didn't, and expecting some kind of future with him when there wouldn't be one beyond friendship.

My heart broke.

Since then, I've been struggling with being single, especially being bored because there's no guys around me who are even "worthy" of my liking them (they're all jerks, idiots, and arrogant, as pretty much all boys are at this age). And like I said in my previous blog post, I'm a pretty private person. When I'm with the girls at church, I can't talk about boys anymore because there's nobody out there right now, and I feel lonely (which I hate). I can't talk as if, "Oh, we did this together. And you should totally read our text messages. Isn't that the cutest thing he says/does?!" because there is no guy right now. 

A few nights ago, I cried because I was so lonely because there weren't any guys. And I decided to watch some videos about "Why Don't Guys Like Me?" and "How To Get A Guy to Like You." And I settled on this one video that stood out to me: "To the Single Girls" by a Christian vlogger. And I cried more. Her testimony was so powerful, because she described exactly what I was feeling, even though we were totally different ages compared to my current status and her singleness testimony. She said that this time that I have now, being single, is time to spend with God, my Heavenly Father, discover myself, and just be happy.

Well, I couldn't exactly be happy without a guy, could I? 

I always tell my young girlfriends who are still boy-crazy that boys will not bring happiness to their lives, that true happiness can only be found in Jesus Christ.

If I only I could follow my own advice!

I realized that I'm trying to find myself, my happiness, in guys. I mean, I was perfectly happy and satisfied when I thought I was in love. So, I keep looking for that same happiness and satisfaction that I found when I was in love. I put myself in solitude to think, because I have nothing better to do. And yet, I don't look for that happiness and satisfaction in Jesus Christ, who saved me and loves me like none other. Why can't I love Him the same way as I felt about all those other boys? Why can't I find excitement in getting to know Him?

That's what I truly need. I need to fall in love with Him as if He were a guy that I have a crush on. I need to get to know Him as though He were the guy of my dreams. I need to make Him the mystery, the focus of excitement and chase of my life. 

And you know what?

I think I will.