January 25, 2019
Freshman year is complete. And I loved it!
I grew spiritually, made the best friends ever, topped my senior year GPA, and learned SO MUCH!
I went in thinking that I would graduate with a Web Design degree, and ended the year as a Psychology major. I went in addicted to a sin, and ended the year still addicted. I went in as a non-denom, and ended the year as a Baptist. I went in happy and single, and ended the year with an almost boyfriend! (It's almost because we really like each other, but we haven't gotten permission to date yet [we asked last week, but my dad said to wait].)
I learned about myself as a person, as a Christian, and as a woman. I became exposed to so many different opinions about religion, Christianity, cultures, politics, and ideas! I also became more vulnerable. I opened up more in the last school year than I ever have with anybody. The people at school are just that great! (Especially my almost boyfriend!)
I fell head-over-heels in love with God and His Person, His love, His holiness, His grace. I jumped into my addiction full-force throughout the year, and each time I jumped in, I became more and more numb and calloused to the Holy Spirit because sin separates us from Him. I knew I was feeling more separated each time I gave in because I didn't feel any conviction. I fell so in love with God's love and grace that I began to take advantage of them. I became so ingrained in the idea of "no shame and no guilt before God because He doesn't see our sins" that I had an excuse to sin. I blamed it on my roommate being gone every weekend, no friends to hang out with, my inability to do homework with people around. You name it, I had it.
In January, I took action. I was feeling dead inside and abandoned by God. Then in chapel (I swear! the best revelations happen in chapel!) we were encouraged to read Psalm 22, which is the Messianic Psalm which declares "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" As soon as I read it, I felt God telling me, "Heidi, this is for you." I broke down crying. I was finally feeling something. I went to work right after and spent the entire shift in deep thought, constantly on the verge of crying. After work, I went into the school's prayer room (literally my favorite place on campus) and cried and went before God for 2-3 hours. That's the longest time I've ever spent in prayer. I told Him that I couldn't feel Him, that I was going to trust Him no matter what, and I came to life again. It was this experience that made me take my addiction seriously.
I began to focus on God for help, not myself or others, in my addiction. I got somewhat better. I was able to go a few weeks without giving in, but then I'd fall back in. But this time around, I didn't feel calloused to the Holy Spirit. I did a little, but I begged God to break me every single time. And I did break. Over and over again.
As of late, I went a little over a month without jumping in. I'm really bummed out because 1) HOW COULD I?! I WAS ABLE TO GO A MONTH, WHY NOT LONGER?! and 2) My almost boyfriend knows about my struggles and is completely willing to help me fight, so when I gave in, I felt like I was failing him too, not just God and myself. But I'm also kind of celebrating? (I don't think that is quite the right word, but it works?) I lasted a month! That's the longest I've lasted in a LONG time, and it was the strongest I've ever been in fighting this!
My life has changed so much since that day in January. So much good! I can't thank God and my almost boyfriend enough for everything that they've done!
I grew spiritually, made the best friends ever, topped my senior year GPA, and learned SO MUCH!
I went in thinking that I would graduate with a Web Design degree, and ended the year as a Psychology major. I went in addicted to a sin, and ended the year still addicted. I went in as a non-denom, and ended the year as a Baptist. I went in happy and single, and ended the year with an almost boyfriend! (It's almost because we really like each other, but we haven't gotten permission to date yet [we asked last week, but my dad said to wait].)
I learned about myself as a person, as a Christian, and as a woman. I became exposed to so many different opinions about religion, Christianity, cultures, politics, and ideas! I also became more vulnerable. I opened up more in the last school year than I ever have with anybody. The people at school are just that great! (Especially my almost boyfriend!)
I fell head-over-heels in love with God and His Person, His love, His holiness, His grace. I jumped into my addiction full-force throughout the year, and each time I jumped in, I became more and more numb and calloused to the Holy Spirit because sin separates us from Him. I knew I was feeling more separated each time I gave in because I didn't feel any conviction. I fell so in love with God's love and grace that I began to take advantage of them. I became so ingrained in the idea of "no shame and no guilt before God because He doesn't see our sins" that I had an excuse to sin. I blamed it on my roommate being gone every weekend, no friends to hang out with, my inability to do homework with people around. You name it, I had it.
In January, I took action. I was feeling dead inside and abandoned by God. Then in chapel (I swear! the best revelations happen in chapel!) we were encouraged to read Psalm 22, which is the Messianic Psalm which declares "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" As soon as I read it, I felt God telling me, "Heidi, this is for you." I broke down crying. I was finally feeling something. I went to work right after and spent the entire shift in deep thought, constantly on the verge of crying. After work, I went into the school's prayer room (literally my favorite place on campus) and cried and went before God for 2-3 hours. That's the longest time I've ever spent in prayer. I told Him that I couldn't feel Him, that I was going to trust Him no matter what, and I came to life again. It was this experience that made me take my addiction seriously.
I began to focus on God for help, not myself or others, in my addiction. I got somewhat better. I was able to go a few weeks without giving in, but then I'd fall back in. But this time around, I didn't feel calloused to the Holy Spirit. I did a little, but I begged God to break me every single time. And I did break. Over and over again.
As of late, I went a little over a month without jumping in. I'm really bummed out because 1) HOW COULD I?! I WAS ABLE TO GO A MONTH, WHY NOT LONGER?! and 2) My almost boyfriend knows about my struggles and is completely willing to help me fight, so when I gave in, I felt like I was failing him too, not just God and myself. But I'm also kind of celebrating? (I don't think that is quite the right word, but it works?) I lasted a month! That's the longest I've lasted in a LONG time, and it was the strongest I've ever been in fighting this!
My life has changed so much since that day in January. So much good! I can't thank God and my almost boyfriend enough for everything that they've done!
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