Dead (part 2)

Well, here I am at college. Week 2. Week 1 was pretty good. I had syllabus classes, and started going to lectures. They can be quite entertaining, educating, and sometimes boring. But one thing I always look forward to is chapel.

Chapel is one of my favorite things here. It's like a heavenly party here on earth. Just worshiping and praising Almighty God. In most chapels, I cry because I am just so deeply moved by the Holy Spirit. I thought it would be a different crying experience here, but I have found that it's not. Back at home, I cried because I knew that there was conviction, or joy from realizing the meaning of a song or hymn. Here, it has been the same. I cry because I am under such strong conviction and because of joy.

In the weeks leading up to my leaving home, I did something that I'm not proud of. It was not a mistake, where I was like, "Oops, I did it again!" No. It was an actual, valid, conscious choice to sin and repeat that sin. I knew I was wrong, but I didn't want to change, because it just felt so good and I felt excused to a certain degree. But everything changed in my first chapel experience as a college student.

One of the first songs we sang this year was the song printed above - "Glorious Day" by Passion. It was during this song that it really hit me. Oh, my God, I need to change. Lord, help me. I don't want to fake any worship. I don't want to stand here in fake praise when I know I'm not right with You. Oh, Lord, change me.

A song we sang a little while later was "Death was Arrested" by North Point InsideOut. The third verse begins like this: "Released from my chains I'm a prisoner no more/My shame was a ransom He faithfully bore/He cancelled my debt and He called me His friend/When death was arrested and my life began." He bore my sin, my shame. Like, WOW! He set me free of my debt and my sin. Again. WOW! Just as if that isn't enough, the song continues with the chorus: "Oh, Your grace so free/Washes over me/You have made me new/Now life begins with You/It's your endless love/Pouring down on us/You have made us new/Now life begins with You." He set me free. His grace and love wash me and make me clean and new. My life is new, and it begins with Him. His love is so freeing, so satisfying, so pure; it should motivate us! Then the bridge continues with one of the most powerful moments of the song:

"Our savior displayed on a criminal's cross/Darkness rejoiced as though heaven had lost/But then Jesus arose with our freedom in hand/That's when death was arrested and my life began/Oh, we're free, free/Forever we're free/Come join the song/Of all the redeemed/Yes, we're free free/Forever amen/When death was arrested and my life began." WE AS CHRISTIANS ARE FREE! We are free from sin, from shame, from death.

"What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?" Romans 6:1-2 say. We are free from sin - how could we continue to live like that?! That thought always burdened me. Am I going to live in this perpetual sin, or am I going to die to it? Am I going to continue as a slave, or will I surrender to God? But it's harder than I thought it would be.

Over the weekend, I consciously made that decision again. That horrible, horrible sin. I had no homework and no friends to hang out with (they all went home for the weekend) and I was bored. Okay, so let's do something you know you're bad at refusing. I didn't fall in. I jumped in - and was planning to keep swimming in that muck. My addiction had claimed me for its own, and I reveled in that thought.

Today was the first day back in classes after my four-day weekend. I was planning to go to chapel, to either completely fake any worship or just not participate in worship at all. I wanted to keep living in that sin because I loved it.

But then, they played that song over the speakers: "And I ran out of that grave/Out of the darkness/Into your glorious day." And...

BAM!

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. My sin has laid chains on me. Oh, Lord, help me! Break these chains! Clean me! Release me! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me, and help me!

And I am forgiven. I know I'll probably fall back into it, maybe even jump - I am an addict and I'll definitely need rehab and time to distance myself and cleanse. It's how I got over caffeine. But this will be much harder than caffeine.

Oh, Lord. I come to You in humility. Please cleanse me. Give me strength to die. Give me strength to live. Give me strength to say, "No!" Please help me to remember Your love as a motivator to change, to live and die, to surrender to You. Amen.