Healing

 Healing

Oh boy...

Today, I went to church like any other Sunday that is normal. The sermon was normal and so was my response to it.

But there was some difference -- I was convicted. My pastor said this: "When we make Jesus small, we drift towards things that feel bigger."
I have a thorn in the flesh, as Apostle Paul would say. (And like Apostle Paul, I will not say what it is and you will forever be mystified. The details of this thorn is something that only my closest friends and family know about me, and I intend to leave it that way for a while.) I learn something new about myself and this thorn every time it pains me and annoys me.
This thing that my pastor said really convicted me. I believe everything that the Bible says about God and Jesus. Or at least I say I do. But there are times when I dont feel like or think that God is actually a God of healing.
I've read so many stories in the Bible about how God raised the dead, healed the lame and deaf and mute, and how He gave His people the ability to do these things through Him.
I've heard so many stories about God healing addictions, broken hearts, mental illnesses.

"But what about me?" I ask Him. "Why dont you heal me?"

And I'm reminded of the same passage as Paul's thorn in the flesh: My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

I was taught that God doesnt do miracles anymore. He doesnt give people the gift of tongues or interpretation, or healing, or any of those other gifts that the early Church did. I've come to believe differently over time, but one thing that I still can't unlearn is that God doesnt heal anymore.
That verse I quoted above was used to teach me that I have to suffer, that God wont give anything to me I cant handle, that I have a better future in heaven, etc. While all of that is somewhat true (though some of it is twisted), that verse doesnt say anything about God not healing Apostle Paul.

Jesus says that if I believe that I will receive something when I ask for it, it will be given to me. If God is truly a God of healing, then why isnt it happening to me, even when I ask for it?

Answer: When I make Jesus small, then I will drift toward what feels bigger. 

Maybe it's because I dont actually believe that Jesus can heal me. Or maybe it is just as the verse says, but without the twisting. 

I dont know how I feel. And I'm definitely confused. And there are times I dont know what to believe. But I do know this:

1. I will not be shamed for "not believing enough."

2. I will not be gaslit, nor will I listen to twisted Scripture.

3. There is a reason for why my healing is "taking too long." (PSA: there is no such thing as healing taking too long. Every individual has their own clock for healing, so it shouldn't be rushed in any way.) There are times when I am so angry with myself for not getting over it as quickly as I would like, but I have to remind myself of my own PSA. 

4. God is bigger than the Boogie Man. (Thank you to Big Ideas and Veggietales for this momentous song.) He is bigger than my fears, insecurities, addictions, heartbreak, and mental illnesses. And I dare not make Jesus smaller than He actually is, otherwise I will drift.