Sophomore Year

It's been over a year to date since my last post. This last year has been one heck of a roller coaster! So, let's give a "short" (probably going to be long... I apologize) recap.

First of all, that relationship I had last summer ended at the end of the Fall 2019 semester. I will say that it was a good relationship, it was healthy. I fell in love with my almost boyfriend. As things started to get more serious, however, I felt something was wrong. I didn't know what, specifically. I just felt off. As I prayed about it, I felt like God was telling to me to break up with the love of my life. I also came across a passage of Scripture that seemed to confirm God's instruction to me. I was conflicted: Do I obey God and throw away this amazing relationship and the love of my life, or do I stay with the love of my life and feel off as a result of disobeying God? How did I even know that breaking up with him was the right thing, that it was from God? I talked to older women: my mentor, my mom, one of my sisters, and two of my sister in-laws who I look up to (they are really amazing women, I tell ya!). They all said the same thing: You'll know by the peace you get. I felt peace in the thought of breaking up with him, despite the extreme pain. So, I chose to end the relationship and choose God. 

I can't say that I didn't think about going back to him, doubting that choice that I made, thinking that it wasn't actually from God. I almost did. A few times. Each time I thought that, it made the healing worse. It prolonged the healing process. I can say now that I made the right choice in breaking up with him. I knew I made the right choice about 3 months afterward, but I was still in extreme pain. Now 6 months after the break-up, I am in a much better place. I have a healthier view of my relationship with him, now seeing the flaws that it had, but still looking on it and missing it. I wouldn't change my decision, though. With this pandemic, I don't know if I could honestly say that I would be able to make the relationship last (more on that in a moment). I am no longer in extreme pain, due to the Lord's almighty healing. But I do still feel pain because I know that I truly loved the guy and thought he was "The One." But the pain I have doesn't compare to the healing I've experienced, nor does it control me.

Second, last semester, I had to enter counseling for PTSD, anxiety, and depression. My depression had progressed to the point of it interfering with my concentration and schoolwork. All I could do was nap in the library. I couldn't concentrate at all; all I did was stare into the nothing and think about nothing. I felt empty and cold. All the emotion I could feel was ultimate loneliness and sadness. I couldn't feel any positive emotion and was constantly on the verge of crying, though I couldn't make myself or let myself cry. My anxiety had gotten to a point where I was having an anxiety attack almost every day in memory of what happened to me (this is where the PTSD comes in). I had a hard time falling asleep because of the anxiety. 

I only had counseling for a few sessions (maybe 4 total), but the impact those sessions had on me were amazing. I was able to unpack a lot of what went on with my past, things I hadn't unpacked before. It was in one of these sessions that I realized I wanted to marry my almost boyfriend because of the safety I felt around him. We all know how that ended. But because of what my almost boyfriend provided to me in the healing process, I was able to process everything that happened to me and find healing in Christ. Since that day, I haven't struggled with PTSD or a lot of anxiety. I still struggle with depression sometimes, though (mostly because of the break-up). 

Third, I am no longer an on-campus student! I am an online student through my university and am now a junior (as of Monday). As an online student, this means that I have school all year-round, have longer semesters, hardly any breaks, and fewer costs. I no longer live in the city where my university is, but back in Illinois with my parents. That is why I don't think I would have been able to make the relationship last with the pandemic. Because of my distance, our respective states being shut down due to the pandemic, and my busy-ness with balancing work and school (I can barely manage the time to hang out with my friends here in Illinois!). But because I ended the relationship, I didn't have to worry about any of that! (Yet another blessing of the break-up.)

Fourth, since the break-up, I have prayed over and over again, telling God, "I don't ever want to experience this pain again. This is too much for me! The next guy better be the one. I will happily stay single forever, if that's what it takes!" Part of my mourning and grieving process included me surrendering my relationship status to God, and I think that is what has helped me most in the healing process. I have found that I am not worried about guys as much as I used to be, I am most happy when I'm single, I am most able to serve God in my singleness. And honestly, I think that I am called to be single. 

One of the Christian influencers I follow, Laurie Krieg (AMAZING, godly woman!), talks a lot about relationships, and how people are often called to be single instead of being called to marry. I think I'm someone who's called to be single! And I couldn't be more at peace! I mean, I couldn't say that I'm happy about being called to be single. Ever since I was little, I've wanted to get married, have children and grand-children, and live the rest of my days with the love of my life. Ever since the break-up, however, I couldn't imagine myself with another man. There was too much love in the previous relationship that I didn't think I could spare any of my love for another man. As a result, I believe I am called to be single. And I am at peace about it. 

Okay, well, that's not too long! I am still healing and grieving a little, but overall, I am much better. This past sophomore year was... TOUGH! But in the end, it was amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything!