Passion
Within the past four or five weeks, I have been trying - wanting - to be more in love with God, getting a passion for Him, and just be with Him and experience Him. I have to say that I have failed (no surprise, because I'm human). However, I can also say that I definitely have become more sensitive and open to what God is trying to show me. For instance, I can sense myself drifting, becoming more world-like, lessening my desire for Him. I have sincerely desiring Him and wanting to learn more. But, I'm still putting myself first. I still put sleep and work and getting ready for the day and social media before my relationship with Him. And I know it hurts Him more than it will ever hurt me. And it hurts me that I should ever hurt God. Yet, I still do it, whether intentionally or unintentionally. And that breaks me. So I'm broken all around. But only in my feelings and thoughts.
I'm still not broken to the point where I decide to take action. I say that I'll do whatever God wants with His help, and yet, I don't provide God with the resources: myself. However, I never give myself fully to Him. I give Him bits and pieces, but that is nothing to Him. He wants all or nothing. I say I give Him everything. I beg him to take everything away, to help me, to mold me. I know it's a daily sacrifice - but I only make the sacrifice maybe once every 2 months. I would definitely admit to being broken every week at church, saying, "Oh, this week will be different. I will give that coworker who's on my mind a tract. I will talk more about God. I will be more of a Christ-like example at work." But I still won't go through with it because of fear.
The Bible and plenty of Christians say that "perfect love casts out fear." Then a doubt pops into my head, "If God's love is so perfect, why isn't it casting out my fear?" And to be honest, maybe I'm afraid to let God's love rule in me, let God's love flow through me to others.
So, I won't give Him my all because I'm afraid to experience His love. Great. So how to I experience God's love?
There's a book I started reading back when I made this choice to love God more (and I'm not saying that books written by man change your life or anything like that) by A. W. Tozer called The Pursuit of God. In chapter five, there's this one quote that really got me tonight as I read it:
"Any man who by repentance and a sincere return to God will break himself out of the mold in which he has been held, and will go to the Bible itself for his spiritual standards, will be delighted with that he finds there."
I have been stuck in a mold of fear. Among the many things I have "given" to God, fear was not one of them.
So here I am. On my knees, so to speak (I'm actually lying in bed).
God, help me now to give you all of my fear. Take it from me. Rip it from my heart where I hold it so dear. Lord, I want to experience your love so that I might show it to others who don't know of your great love. Oh God, help me to live a life full of your love and without a single fear. In your name, Amen.
I'm still not broken to the point where I decide to take action. I say that I'll do whatever God wants with His help, and yet, I don't provide God with the resources: myself. However, I never give myself fully to Him. I give Him bits and pieces, but that is nothing to Him. He wants all or nothing. I say I give Him everything. I beg him to take everything away, to help me, to mold me. I know it's a daily sacrifice - but I only make the sacrifice maybe once every 2 months. I would definitely admit to being broken every week at church, saying, "Oh, this week will be different. I will give that coworker who's on my mind a tract. I will talk more about God. I will be more of a Christ-like example at work." But I still won't go through with it because of fear.
The Bible and plenty of Christians say that "perfect love casts out fear." Then a doubt pops into my head, "If God's love is so perfect, why isn't it casting out my fear?" And to be honest, maybe I'm afraid to let God's love rule in me, let God's love flow through me to others.
So, I won't give Him my all because I'm afraid to experience His love. Great. So how to I experience God's love?
There's a book I started reading back when I made this choice to love God more (and I'm not saying that books written by man change your life or anything like that) by A. W. Tozer called The Pursuit of God. In chapter five, there's this one quote that really got me tonight as I read it:
"Any man who by repentance and a sincere return to God will break himself out of the mold in which he has been held, and will go to the Bible itself for his spiritual standards, will be delighted with that he finds there."
I have been stuck in a mold of fear. Among the many things I have "given" to God, fear was not one of them.
So here I am. On my knees, so to speak (I'm actually lying in bed).
God, help me now to give you all of my fear. Take it from me. Rip it from my heart where I hold it so dear. Lord, I want to experience your love so that I might show it to others who don't know of your great love. Oh God, help me to live a life full of your love and without a single fear. In your name, Amen.
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