Insecurity
So, today I watched a video about how to sing really high on YouTube. And one of the exercises she suggested doing, I couldn't do correctly. And I started freaking out. I began to think, "How in the heck is that even possible? How do I relax those muscles? I mean, I know that they're tense and that that tension is causing the problems I have while singing, but how do I get rid of that tension?" Then I watched other videos on how to relax those muscles and I felt better about my singing. I didn't sound better, but at least I was relaxing and that's what really matters to me. I'm just so tense about everything, no matter how much I say that I'm relaxed. Then I decided to watch more videos -- forgetting to stop while I was ahead. The next video I watched was about "the break" that singers can experience. I was so confused, and I once again couldn't do the exercises that the person in the video was doing. Or at least, I didn't think I was doing it right. She said it wasn't supposed to be pretty or anything, but when she was discussing how to get rid of "the break," I experienced it. So I told myself, Just face it, Heidi, you're not really as good a singer as everybody thinks you are. And I realized, I am really insecure about this. I keep telling myself that I'm bad, so I keep trying to please myself and it just ain't happening.
One other incident that made me realize I wasn't confident was at work. Something came up and I couldn't find myself to ask for help from a manager. I feel like I'm constantly calling a manager over to help me with something and that I'm annoying because of how often I need them to fix it. I'm too proud to ask for help, and when somebody asks, "Do you need help over there?" I say, "No, I got this."
Idiot.
I told myself 2 years ago that I don't have to care about what other people think of me. And I didn't. Until I started finding myself this year. I was beginning to find what I believe, and it's different from what my parents (whom I'm still living with), my fellow church members, and co-workers believe. And I'm scared to let it show.
One thing that the YouTube singer was teaching was just letting go and just feeling the music, letting yourself express what you're feeling, and that's how you get better. But I can't. Why?
Because I have different music beliefs from my church. I can't truly express myself in front of my church while singing. I can't perform to the best of my ability when there are people who would probably judge me. If I wanted to express myself, I would sing worship songs by Bethel Music and Hillsong and all those other musicians, but I can't. Therefore I feel trapped, thus trapping my true, unique voice and expressions.
It sucks being different. I'm so insecure about who I am; I'm scared about what other people will think of me; I'm scared of myself. Society says it's great to be different, to be yourself. But it really sucks when you feel stuck, when you feel like you can't express yourself.
Being different is scary. I can't satisfy myself, I can only satisfy others at the expense of myself. And it sucks. And now I have fear of being different, of myself, of judgment.
But one thing I do know: God will never judge me for being different when I'm in His will. He calls us to be different. He says "peculiar." People are supposed to see us as different, and that's scary. Now I won't say that those people are wrong and not in God's will, because His will is different for each and every one of us. As long as we're in His will, what He wants us to do, He won't judge us. And I can find comfort in that. ". . . be content with what you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' So we can confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?'" "I'm no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God." ("No Longer Slaves", Bethel Music). He loves me. I have absolutely no reason to fear. He makes us brave enough to go out and do His will ("Oceans" Hillsong United; "You Make Me Brave" Bethel Music).
So I'm going to sing with freedom. I'm going to be open about what I believe. I'm going to be confident enough to ask for help.
Here goes.
One other incident that made me realize I wasn't confident was at work. Something came up and I couldn't find myself to ask for help from a manager. I feel like I'm constantly calling a manager over to help me with something and that I'm annoying because of how often I need them to fix it. I'm too proud to ask for help, and when somebody asks, "Do you need help over there?" I say, "No, I got this."
Idiot.
I told myself 2 years ago that I don't have to care about what other people think of me. And I didn't. Until I started finding myself this year. I was beginning to find what I believe, and it's different from what my parents (whom I'm still living with), my fellow church members, and co-workers believe. And I'm scared to let it show.
One thing that the YouTube singer was teaching was just letting go and just feeling the music, letting yourself express what you're feeling, and that's how you get better. But I can't. Why?
Because I have different music beliefs from my church. I can't truly express myself in front of my church while singing. I can't perform to the best of my ability when there are people who would probably judge me. If I wanted to express myself, I would sing worship songs by Bethel Music and Hillsong and all those other musicians, but I can't. Therefore I feel trapped, thus trapping my true, unique voice and expressions.
It sucks being different. I'm so insecure about who I am; I'm scared about what other people will think of me; I'm scared of myself. Society says it's great to be different, to be yourself. But it really sucks when you feel stuck, when you feel like you can't express yourself.
Being different is scary. I can't satisfy myself, I can only satisfy others at the expense of myself. And it sucks. And now I have fear of being different, of myself, of judgment.
But one thing I do know: God will never judge me for being different when I'm in His will. He calls us to be different. He says "peculiar." People are supposed to see us as different, and that's scary. Now I won't say that those people are wrong and not in God's will, because His will is different for each and every one of us. As long as we're in His will, what He wants us to do, He won't judge us. And I can find comfort in that. ". . . be content with what you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' So we can confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?'" "I'm no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God." ("No Longer Slaves", Bethel Music). He loves me. I have absolutely no reason to fear. He makes us brave enough to go out and do His will ("Oceans" Hillsong United; "You Make Me Brave" Bethel Music).
Here goes.
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